JUST FYI, if you are a filthy rich landlord in Boston, and you are posting an add for your apartment on Craigslist, here are some things that you should bullet-point in your list of stuff about the apartment.
- Fee. Is there a fee? What is a fee? Why do I have to pay a fee?! WHO GETS THE MONEY?!
- Pets. I can haz cat? No? Okay.
- Utilities. Are they included? Inquiring minds want to know.
- Square footage. For most apartments in Boston, this number is not real, because the square root of a negative number does not exist.
- Number of bedrooms. 1? 2? Split? Split, like fee, is a uniquely Boston experience. It means an apartment with a kitchen, bathroom, and two rooms. One could use the apartment as a one-bedroom with a living room, or as a roommate situation for starving students/young adults/middle-aged adults with student loans.
- Number of bathrooms. Hint: if there is fewer than one bathroom, it's not a one-bedroom apartment. Even if it's listed as one.
- Porch. I want to know if there's a porch. Porches, from what I understand, are where the magic happens. I imagine leprechauns have something to do with this.
- Floor. Is it on the first floor? Second floor? Fifth story walkup? Is there even a floor? (I'll take a clean tarp as a substitute.)
Here are some things that I HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN that are, I argue, not legitimate bullet points.
- THIS APARTMENT WILL GO FAST. (That is your subjective opinion. It also loses its je ne sais quoi if it's posted on twelve listings in a row.)
- Close to transportation. (Now, this one is tricky. It could mean "close to the red line!" or it could also mean "half a mile from your own car!")
- Internet and Cable Ready. (Most apartments/houses/cars/phones/sidewalks/pets are. Or can be shortly.)
- Refrigerator. (OH GOOD.)
Annnnnd my favorite bullet point:
- Do not miss out.
Which isn't even a thing.
Thank you, Craigslist.
- Fee. Is there a fee? What is a fee? Why do I have to pay a fee?! WHO GETS THE MONEY?!
 |
| $1425 / 0br - Very Spacious Sunny 0 bedroom Mostly Underground VERY CLOSE TO PORTER, some stairs(Somerville) |
- Pets. I can haz cat? No? Okay.
- Utilities. Are they included? Inquiring minds want to know.
- Square footage. For most apartments in Boston, this number is not real, because the square root of a negative number does not exist.
- Number of bedrooms. 1? 2? Split? Split, like fee, is a uniquely Boston experience. It means an apartment with a kitchen, bathroom, and two rooms. One could use the apartment as a one-bedroom with a living room, or as a roommate situation for starving students/young adults/middle-aged adults with student loans.
- Number of bathrooms. Hint: if there is fewer than one bathroom, it's not a one-bedroom apartment. Even if it's listed as one.
 |
| Leprechauns. I TOLD YOU. |
- Floor. Is it on the first floor? Second floor? Fifth story walkup? Is there even a floor? (I'll take a clean tarp as a substitute.)
Here are some things that I HAVE ACTUALLY SEEN that are, I argue, not legitimate bullet points.
- THIS APARTMENT WILL GO FAST. (That is your subjective opinion. It also loses its je ne sais quoi if it's posted on twelve listings in a row.)
 |
| $1650 1 br - Very Spacious Sunny 1 bedroom GREAT VIEW Downtown, Some exposed Brick, occasional weather/pigeon issues (Boston) |
- Internet and Cable Ready. (Most apartments/houses/cars/phones/sidewalks/pets are. Or can be shortly.)
- Refrigerator. (OH GOOD.)
Annnnnd my favorite bullet point:
- Do not miss out.
Which isn't even a thing.
Thank you, Craigslist.
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